He is. But -

[ she sighs. ]

I once forgave someone for something very terrible because I have realized that in his own eyes that act was an act of protection and love.

[ She sugar coats it, not wanting to tell him her forgiveness including not murdering her guardian but as it stands, she had tried to forgive him for all those people, all the blood that was on his hand out of the small understanding that this man thought he was sheltering her, protecting them all. ]

If I was to love people who were never wrong I would find myself quite lonely. Forgive him despite of it.

If I'll only have contact with people he approves of, I'll be damn lonely too!

[It's so frustrating, he loses if he does - loses if he doesn't. Either way he loses. His choices seem to be to lose his brother - or to lose everyone else. What kind of choice is that?]

[ He's right, she knows that. It's absurd and ridiculous and if it was anybody else she'd tell them to do the opposite. To go and be free and leave whatever it is that binds you, whether it is to a person or to the throne halls of Camelot, leave it all behind.

It occurs to her that it might only be this easy for her. ]

Yes.

[ She won't lie to him. Everything in this life is a choice. Merlin never escaped Camelot he found a home there, a home she never found. Years and years of standing by windows and wanting out and not in. Love binds; for a moment, she looks just as lost as he is, her facade crumbling before she pulls herself together. ]

It's a choice. You can believe that he will change and perhaps he will. But not if he feels that he is about to lose you, it will make him more stubborn.

And if I come back - if he just wins - what'll make him want to change?

[His head leans against the wall to his side, his mind fogging up with sleep alongside the alcohol]

If he even wants to talk to me again...

He does, of course he does.

It will wait for the morning, though. Go home, rest.

[Go home? Don't make him laugh. That's the sensible thing to do! Does he look sensible to you?]

Not so sure 'bout that.

[He snuggles against that wall, cuddling into his coat. It's cold outside, but that won't drive him in.]

Go back to Cas' house, Sam. Do it or I will not sleep either out of worry. I cannot force you, not from here; but I plead you. Please go home.

I can't go home...

[And suddenly he feels like that woman in white...like that first hunt back with Dean. He can never go home because home is where Dean is and Dean doesn't want him...]

[And it's like that thought lends him clarity for a second, and he shakes his head]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called. Sleep well...[He leans down to press another kiss to the screen before fumbling with it to turn the feed off. The night is young and there are so many stupid things to do.]