[About an hour after his conversation with Dean, after turning this in his drunken mind over and over again, he finds an isolated corner to sit down in, snuggling himself tightly to ward off the cold, and looks into the forge with his most pitiful of expressions]

Morgana? I just wanted to say I'm sorry - I'm sorry for ruining your life, for puttin' you in danger...I should have known better I should never have - in the first place...

[A tear falls down his cheek and onto the forge, followed by another and another.]

I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...[He repeats it like a mantra]

[ Morgana, on the other hand was half asleep when her Forge came to life. Shifting to sit on her bed, her eyes widen as she realized who it is. She knew she should hang up or be at least somewhat upset but this was the first time she had seen him in a month. ]

Sam - no. Hush now, you owe me no apologies. I don't regret anything. Don't be upset for my sake, please.

[ it's the most gentle anyone in Anatole would get from her. ]

[He is upset, so upset, and hearing her voice - seeing her face - he didn't think his heart could possibly ache more but boy was he wrong!]

It's my fault I should have known better I should have - something always happens. But you're gonna be safe, you're gonna be safe I'll always make sure of that.

[He strokes the hair of the image on the forge, his mind filling in the familiar sensation of running his hand through her hair]

This is not your fault, Sam. It is mine and your brother's. I should apologize as well, I have not listened to you and I lied to him. This is my doing. Sam - try to forgive him, I try too. He loves you so much and sometimes we do the unthinkable for those we love.

It's all my fault it always is.

[He imagines moving the hair out of her face, caressing her cheek. She's so beautiful it hurts.]

You're so good...how can you be this good.

I -

[ She hates lying to him. She's not even close to forgiving Dean but he must so he could stop being sad. ]

I know what magic means in your world. What he did..it was of love. You should not lose each other, Sam. Despite of everything there is goodness in him, I saw it. I saw how much he cared when we searched for you. He's flawed but you need to forgive his flaws.

[He just looks at her for a long moment, tears falling down his cheeks. How could Dean look at her and see a monster, when he looks at her and sees an angel? She's so good to him, so caring - Jess was like that too, Jess would have tried to make him forgive Dean too.]

You deserve the best Morgana - promise me you'll get the best.

Sam -

[ she turns for a moment. They should not talk of this while he's like this. ]

You should be inside and resting. Tomorrow you could talk to Dean.

No.

[He shakes his head defiantly, stubbornly]

I'm not talking to him.

Sam you're brothers. You're blood. And he fears for you, he wishes not to lose you - please. You need him too. I have seen what happened when the mist seperated you.

Please. If you care for me - I request it

Edited 2012-03-04 12:22 am (UTC)

More like he fears me [His tone turns bitter, angry. The Dean he hears in his head now is the one he's encountered repeatedly out in the mist.]

I care about you - you know I do - so much - [He strokes the image again] but I can't do that. Not that.

[ She looks at him for a moment; to stop loving him seems as impossible as getting rid of her magic. ]

I was with him when he searched for you. Sam - try to find it in your heart. It will take time, I know.

[He wipes at his eyes and he can't even begin to explain his fucked up situation with Dean. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knows he shouldn't too, knows that he shouldn't be talking to her at all - he's hurting himself and more than that - he's hurting her. But the alcohol pushes that part away and he just runs a gentle finger again against the image]

You say that 'cause you don't know - he's the biggest hypocrite [he whispers as if confiding a hilarious secret with her]

[ She takes a wild guess that this has something to do with the apples that appeared out of the blue at the day of the flood and sighs. ]

Sam, listen to me. We all come to this world with gifts, some different than others and some special to one world or another or even to this one. Your brothers knows you. He knows that whatever gifts you may posses you won't do badly with them. He doesn't know the same for me and my magic. I have seen people corrupted by it and I have seen people who have only ever used it for good. I believe everyone should receive a chance to prove their worth but I cannot entirely fault someone for not daring to when the situation regards his loved ones.

[ can she blame Arthur for faulting both her and Merlin? Morgana was never very good at putting herself in other people's shoes. ]

Magic is just as bad as the person using it, Merlin told me that once and I believe it to be true. Do not fault him. I try not to myself.

[That right there is enough to break his heart to pieces. He wants to call Dean right now and have him listen to this; to how she pleads him to forgive that jerk. How could he? How could he ever?]

You're a better person than I ever was. [He whispers it against the forge, holding the device close to his face, leaning his forehead against it. The next part is nothing more than a sedated whisper, possibly lost in the wind.]

I love you. [Will he remember saying it? Doubtful. Will he regret it if he does? Definitely. But for the moments alcohol is humoring him, and he presses a soft kiss to the screen, pretending her face is not just an image.]

[ Men say many things that are nonsensical things after too much wine, she knows it well. She remember Arthur telling her of telling her of his drunken conversation with Gwen and how she scolded him for even having it to begin with in that state. She should tell Sam the same thing; but her conversation with Arthur took place wen he was already sober and right now she doesn't dare to be too strict, she won't push his mood too far.

She acts as if she heard only the first part even though her hands tight into fists and it hurts, and it's not fair for something to hurt her this badly. She was known for being emotional, true, she feels far too much but she usually controls it better. She smiles, though it is a forced one. ]

I am only trying to be what I expect others to be. You should return home, Sam, and sleep lest you will say things you will come to regret.

[ carefully. ]

The only thing I regret is being to goddamn weak to tell him to go fuck himself.

[Self loathing flashes across his features and his voice]

I miss you...

You miss him, too.

[ A smile, she knows you well enough by now. ]

So bad.

[And that cracks open the dam; tears flow freely now. Missing her breaks his heart, missing Dean is killing him.]

Then try and forgive him, find it in you. For his sake and yours, and my own.

[ A look. ]

[ In the long run, Morgana figures herself the last person who needs to give anyone advice on that subject. She lost her family at twelve and while she loved Arthur, she loved her peace of mind more and was willing to leave him behind and join the Druids. She thinks that even now, she loves him with all her heart and would still leave him behind, if she could.

She smiles; how can she be the better person if she was willing to leave all those she had love behind? Her gaze draws to the window, isn't Wynn the same thing? ]

I was fortunate enough to share the bond you have with your brother Sam but if I did, if I had something to hold me down, a sense of home I would have done anything to keep it.

[ Because as much as loved some of it, Camelot was not her home, was never her home and to be truthful, she never had anything or anyone to call home. Arthur would be king and Gwen would marry and she would love them both but it still wouldn't be home. ]

He's wrong here - he's wrong.

[It's a weak excuse to cling to, even to his hazed mind, but he clings to it like a stubborn 5 year old, because that's all he has to hold on to. It's all that keeps him from calling his brother back. That, and the fact that Dean didn't want him bothering him.]

He is. But -

[ she sighs. ]

I once forgave someone for something very terrible because I have realized that in his own eyes that act was an act of protection and love.

[ She sugar coats it, not wanting to tell him her forgiveness including not murdering her guardian but as it stands, she had tried to forgive him for all those people, all the blood that was on his hand out of the small understanding that this man thought he was sheltering her, protecting them all. ]

If I was to love people who were never wrong I would find myself quite lonely. Forgive him despite of it.

If I'll only have contact with people he approves of, I'll be damn lonely too!

[It's so frustrating, he loses if he does - loses if he doesn't. Either way he loses. His choices seem to be to lose his brother - or to lose everyone else. What kind of choice is that?]